went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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