just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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