I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
