Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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