as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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