FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
im six kinds of drunk right now
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
