I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
