he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
