I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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