everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
