You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
