It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
