what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
