I can't breathe out the right side of my face
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Randomize
