you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
