Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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