I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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