he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
