Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
