Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
