just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I deserve this hangover.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
