my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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