I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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