you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Randomize
