guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
