Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
