We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
