I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Randomize
