Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You are a genius and a whore.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
