awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
