So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
