He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
