my phone needs a breathalizer
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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