I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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