3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
ya dads aren't the best wingmen
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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