how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
