Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
