im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
