i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
