The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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