are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
