You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
