I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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