There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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