Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
