I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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