Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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