there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
