ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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