I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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